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5 things to be angry about — including ‘Crazy Bernie’ Sanders, sex robots and the Cubs

In an age of perpetual dread and outrage, I want to make your existence less difficult. So below are today’s five points you should really be terrified and angry about:

1) Sex robots are heading to kill us all. (Assuming we all make your mind up to have sexual intercourse with robots.)

A cybersecurity expert instructed the British newspaper the Everyday Star that hackers could acquire command of sexual intercourse robots and use them to assault their freaky human adore companions.

“Often these robots can be upwards of 200 pounds and really sturdy,” explained Nicholas Patterson, a cybersecurity lecturer at Deakin College in Australia. “Once a robot is hacked, the hacker has whole command and can problem guidelines to the robot. The very last thing you want is for a hacker to have command around one of these robots. After hacked they could absolutely be utilised to complete physical steps for an beneficial circumstance or to cause problems.”

This is terrifying for two motives. Initially, there are evidently points known as “sex robots.” Next, and maybe extra importantly, if these sexual intercourse robots are hacked by a overseas adversary, they could instantly wipe out America’s strategic reserve of creepy dudes who look at their Roomba and assume, “Oh, yeah. I’d like to get with that.”

Okay, possibly that aspect isn’t so terrifying. It could just be a new type of natural collection.

But you should really definitely truly feel angry that hackable sexual intercourse robots exist. It’s just one extra thing to fret about.

2) The Chicago mayoral election is coming up and there’s continue to no canine candidate.

As you most likely know, there are 342 individuals functioning to turn into the subsequent mayor of Chicago. It’s extremely hard and incredibly uninteresting to keep in mind all the candidates’ names, so I refer to them collectively working with the gender-neutral name Sam.

Sam is neither exciting nor inspiring. Which is why Chicago justifies a canine mayoral candidate. Dogs are inherently very good, lots of are difficult on crime (barking) and, like lots of Chicago politicians, they are simply bribed.

We should really all be outraged that none of the 342 candidates who make up Sam are pet dogs. It’s species-ist, and it’s robbing voters of a likelihood to elect a certainly noble mayor who would capture the city’s coronary heart, produce extensive figures of viral video clips and conveniently concur to be paid in Snausages.

3) Bernie Sanders is functioning for president.

If you’re a Republican, you should really be terrified for the reason that Sanders is a socialist masquerading as a Democrat and he will absolutely appear and acquire all your money when transforming America’s name to “Venezuela 2.0” and executing untoward points like supplying individuals overall health treatment and first rate pay.

If you’re a Democrat who doesn’t adore Sanders and needs to make a a little bit critical comment of him, you should really be similarly terrified, for the reason that Sanders’ cultlike supporters will swoop down on you like a swarm of on-line locusts and “actually” you to death when wishing excellent damage on your spouse and children and all people you hold pricey. Which is for the reason that they are open-minded and imagine in fairness.

4) Anything involving a Kardashian has took place.

When anything at all involving a Kardashian takes place, we should really all be angry, for the reason that whatever the insipid Kardashian growth is, it will uncover a way to creep into our information feeds and acquire up area in our minds, which are already preoccupied worrying about Bernie Sanders and killer sexual intercourse robots, not essentially in that purchase.

What is the new Kardashian thing that has took place? I do not know. There are so lots of Kardashians I simply cannot maintain them straight, so I just refer to them all as Sam, which gets baffling considering the fact that which is also the name of the Chicago mayoral candidates.

I’m relatively confident Sam Kardashian has split up with anyone who I’ll connect with Biff Whateverton, very likely for the reason that Biff cheated on Sam (OMG!) or otherwise did a thing so vacuous that it lowered the collective IQ of all humanity.

No matter of the accurate nature of the Kardashian-linked incident, we should really all be enraged that it’s distracting us from making confident a fine metropolis like Chicago gets the Labrador retriever mayor it needs.

5) The Chicago Cubs have turn into your Fox-Information-addicted uncle.

The ostensibly non-bonkers staff chairman, Tom Ricketts, tried to sleek around revelations that his dad, Joe — improved known as “the one with all the money” — likes to wallow in the fever swamps of racist proper-wing conspiracy theories. The younger Ricketts did this in the most ineffective way achievable, stating what amounted to: “Nah, dad’s not racist! He just despatched some negative email messages! I Really like MY Dad AND HIS Money!”

To make the the moment-lovable losers even considerably less likable, the staff has partnered with Sinclair Broadcasting to develop a membership-based Cubs tv station. Sinclair Broadcasting is a wildly conservative procedure that forces its stations to air proper-wing propaganda pieces aimed at scaring individuals like the elder Ricketts into considering Muslims are coming to America to steal their apple pie.

If I was a Cubs supporter and wasn’t so distracted by Sam Kardashian, I’d be furious about this information. But then again, what does it make a difference?

We’re all heading to die from hacked sexual intercourse robot attacks anyway.

rhuppke@chicagotribune.com

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